Falling in and out of Love and the creation of a Conscious Relationship
By Michael de Glanville & Viola Edward
Finally that man or woman that you have been waiting for, comes bursting in to your life and lights up your senses, floods your body with a rush of adrenaline and hormones and reminds you of the true meaning, the true dimension of the word longing. It reminds you of the intensity that those feelings of desire can attain, or the desire that is irresistable and so hard to control. Your ego boundaries vanish, you feel so much an indivisable part of the union. You think that together you will be capable of almost anything. You feel ready to devote yourself exclusively to the well being, the pleasure and the delight of this angel, this being who takes your heart into the fifth dimension.
We call it “falling in love”. Indeed, the sensation can be very similar to that of falling. You fall into a bliss state. The sun is shining and your worries have dissappeared. You are walking on air, the ground no longer solid under your feet, a strong force of attraction is pulling you, accelerating you onward without concern. The scenario is as familiar as life on earth, indeed the survival of the human species has depended on this phenomenon for millions of years. In the traditional ‘Fairy Tale’ style, the ending of the story would be “and they rode off into the sunset” or “and they lived happily ever after and had many children”.
Change in lifestyle
However, our day to day reality tends to be somewhat different from these romantic dreamings. After the euphoria of that first stage of “falling”, which could last for days or months, the partners will begin to discover the differences in their tastes, their ways of dealing with life as they try travelling together, agreeing on sexual frequency, spending time with each other’s friends etc. Living together, before marriage, will help to bring these differences to the surface and, provided there is effective communication, allow them to be discussed and hopefully resolved. Both the partners will then face the task of letting go of their “I’m free and single” habits and begin creating the new relationship, sharing and living together and making the adjustments and compromises that this entails. We should not underestimate the change in lifestyle created by the transition from “single” to “in a relationship”.
Whenever two people come together for a relationship they will face cultural issues. Very often there will be a wide range of differences in the expectations of the man and woman about how the relationship is going to be. The joyful, vivid, loving passions of their initial encounter can be eroded by these differences, the realities of the relationship. However, it is not the action of living together, nor that of getting married, that suffocates the relationship, but the unconscious engagement into the relationship without the simultaneous development of effective communication between the partners, as a vehicle for resolving the differences.
Cards on the Table
Imagine how amazing it would be, if, early on in a new relationship, the couple were conscious enough to create a time and space and find the courage to truthfully share their personal weaknesses and expectations of the relationship. What is it that they love about the other and what do they find difficult? What is their pooled list of talents, who will be best at doing what? How will they deal with sharing money, sharing responsability for those every day tasks? The topics are many, but if the differences surface at an early stage, dealing with them will be so much simpler…. but this would be in a perfect world and we have to do the best we can with current reality.
”Creating a Conscious Relationship” is a rare subject of study on academic curriculums. The classroom on relationship, for most young adults, has been the years of living with parents, grandparents, siblings and other influential family members. Information about how relationships work (also perhaps how they do not work) will have been collected not only from observation of those role models and conditioning in schools and from their community, but also from romantic stories in literature, the cinema and television.
The knowledge of what works and what doesn’t, will usually be put together by the partners over the years in a process of trial and error and the progress of this process will often be spiced up by blaming and power games. There will be “told you so” judgemental, clumsy comments from some family members, rather than regular access to helpful, balanced insight from a wise and impartial family member or friend, and consequently from a relationship coach, psychotherapist or councellor. Letting go of the old habits, coping with the new surroundings, setting off into this unfamiliar domain of a relationship can be a painful experience. Many relationships end in some kind of separation when difficulties cannot be resolved.
Giving, flowing into receiving
We dream of loving and caring for our partner, of being loved and cared for and appreciated for who we really are. The conscious relationship is one which is filled with conscious acts of love and caring. It is about giving. It develops from a conscious intention to bring joy and contentment into our partner’s life. When this dynamic is working both ways, with giving, flowing into receiving, the result is deeply nourishing and harmonious for both participants.
Daring to explore the boundaries
So what are the capabilities and the skills that need to be developed to help us safely follow that powerful, exciting, sexual attraction and move closer to that situation we are all longing for? Learning from experience is always a powerful pathway, better to be active, daring to explore freely, looking for the boundaries of this new domain, rather than holding back, cautious and hesitant, limited by our fears. With help and knowledge about the dynamics of relationship, we can speed up the learning time and reduce the difficulty of the quest.
Love draws us back, time and again
Recognising the learning opportunities as they come into the life of the relationship and understanding the lessons offered by uncomfortable experiences, will help develop a deeper understanding. The presence of a strong love between the partners and the recognition of the precious value of their relationship will draw them back in time and again to this difficult work.
So what is the essential content of the ‘Conscious Male/Female Relationship’? What subjects should our learning process include to improve the harmony? Below are six important ingredients which will contribute to it’s success:
Love – Effective Communication – Healthy Sexuality – Core values held in common – Some shared interests and hobbies – Agreement on the distribution of duties.
We will be developing the details of these “ingredients” in our future articles and would love to hear from you with your comments, experiences and questions firstname.lastname@example.org and Facebook: ViolaEdwardCoaching.
You can download a free copy of Viola’s Book “Breathing the Rhythm of Success” from our website www.violaedward.com
If you are interested in deepening your knowledge about “Falling in and out of Love” you can participate in individual, couples or family sessions with Viola in her Studio or on SKYPE sessions.
Viola came to Cyprus from Venezuela in 2002 to join Michael who was born on the Island and had returned from France in 1999. Viola and Michael are both trained therapists in Breathwork. Viola specialises in relationship coaching, business consulting, and colour and image. Michael has an engineering background and specialises in massage and watsu. www.watsucyprus.com