I don’t love my husband anymore

Dear Judy,

I am now at a point to seek help.  I have been married for eight years and we have a daughter aged 7.  I think I don’t love my husband any more but I don’t have the courage to tell him.  We came to this country from Poland to make a better life for ourselves but he is always working. He does love us and he wants money for us to have a better life but in the meantime, because he is never here, I no longer love him. He gets up early and comes home late and even though he does love me, he doesn’t know how to be a friend or a partner.  I feel like a single parent and I am lonely. I have had to try to make my own friends. Sometimes he comes to meet them on a Sunday afternoon but he is so tired he falls asleep. I am young and feel like my life is passing me by. I cry a lot. I don’t want to hurt him but I feel like I can’t carry on like this any more.

Bella

Think about the life you want for yourself and your child

Dear Bella,

A relationship can survive most difficulties – but not a lack of communication.

It is very difficult to be married to a workaholic and especially when they are in denial about what motivates them and believe their efforts are only about making a good life for their family. Men who work as hard as your husband does, put themselves under a lot of pressure in pursuit of their goals. It seems as if both of you have lost the ability to communicate your needs and your feelings, and to relax and have fun together.

You have two tasks in front of you now. Firstly, you must think about the life you want for yourself and for your child. Even if your husband did not work so hard, what are you doing to nurture your own creativity? If you were to separate and had to earn a living, do you have any skills that would earn you money? What would you like to learn that would be valuable for your future? Your daughter will leave home one day and you have your whole life ahead of you. How do you want to fulfil your own dreams and ambitions in the workplace?

When you have clarity around your own future, then you must set aside time to discuss your needs with your husband. You must tell him how you feel and how unhappy you are. You must do this is a calm way so that he takes you seriously.

If your husband truly loves you, he will want to stay married to you and will make an effort to change his behaviour.

If your husband truly loves you, he will want to stay married to you and will make an effort to change his behaviour. He may succeed in changing your negative feelings towards him; or he may not. If he does, you will have to decide what you can settle for and what compromises he will have to make to keep you in the marriage. If he cannot change his behaviour, you will have made a plan for your own future which you can begin to put into place.

Many couples struggle with work-life balance. If your husband can rekindle your love for him, that will be good for your daughter’s happiness too. But some men are unable to change their workaholic habits and your relationship with your husband may need to end in order for you to lead a happier and freer life. If that is to be the case, it may be helpful for both of you to seek counselling together in order to end the marriage in the best way possible for all three of you.

Who is Judy Piatkus?

judyJudy Piatkus achieved a diploma in psychodynamic psychotherapy and counselling and worked in an NHS surgery in Harley Street London, for 450 hours, as well as in her own private practice. Judy now works with a wide range of organisations and businesses as a leadership development coach, consultant and mentor and she has set up ConsciousCafe, a popular network which runs events and workshops and provides a safe space for discussions about all aspects of personal and spiritual development  www.consciouscafe.org  www.judypiatkus.com @judypiatkus

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